WHAT'S YOUR POINT, CINDY?

Wikipedia describes Cindy Adams as “an American gossip columnist.” 

Roget’s THESAURUS defines gossip as “putting two and two together, and making it five.” 

This past week the gossip columnist should have used a better calculator

On her brief visit to Vacationland (with its 65 iconic lighthouses — 500,000 lush acres of state and national parks — 6000 sparkling lakes and ponds — 4000+ postcard-perfect offshore islands — and the tastiest lobster on the planet), the gossip columnist only saw fat people. And most of them wearing consignment clothing.

Rather than admiring our nearly 3500 miles of rocky coastline, the gossip columnist spotted “locals whose behinds overlap the state of Texas all stuffed into shorts. Realtors could establish an entire campsite on the average ass.”

Excuuuuse me?

The gossip columnist persisted: “Fishing? Great. Fashion? Forget it. There’s not enough fabric on NYC’s Seventh Avenue to cover any local behind. Mainers consider flannel formal.”

And …  “In Kennebunkport, Bar Harbor, Portland, Ogunquit, Freeport,  Eastport, the concept of dressing is only for salad. LL Bean jeans, drawers, plaid shirts, crappy sweater, sweats, sneakers and backpacks are considered black tie.”

(I guess the gossip columnist didn’t get invited to Martha Stewart’s cocktail party in tres chic Northeast Harbor, or Sunday brunch at the Rockefellers’ estate in Bar Harbor where Nelson — a former governor of New York state — was born, or a barbecue at Walker Point with the Bush’s. But then again, even those folk leave their fancy duds back in the city so they can fully enjoy — and prefer — the breezy nature, down-home freedom and flannel-comfort of coastal living.)

The gossip columnist wrote, “Everybody does beer. They probably shower with it. Prefer French furniture with gilt arms and legs, white linen tablecloths, waiters in tuxes — forget it.” 

Exactly! Because many of us prefer lobster-in-the-rough at Nunan’s or haddock-lightly-fried at Billy’s Chowder House when we’re not savoring Maine Bluefin Tuna at Ocean in Kport, cedar-planked wild salmon at Primo in Camden, or rhubarb spoon cake at the Lost Kitchen in Freedom — where the waiters don’t wear tuxes, THANK GOD.

The New York state insect is the nine-spotted ladybug. Cindy, I’m not happy with your mis-observations and I’m not sorry you flew away home.

Because our state insect is the honey bee. And those bees have stingers. Remember the adage: sting us once, shame on us.; sting us twice, shame on you.

Most Mainers are happy positive people who love their state. So I’d watch your back. Bees are everywhere up here. And maybe do us a favor: please don’t come back.