BREAKING THE SILENCE

Last week I had lunch in Kennebunkport with five brave women.

All are survivors of abuse — physical, mental, psychological, emotional, sexual and financial. The group included a pretty brunette in her 20s, a perky 83-year-old woman who never stopped smiling, and Patrisha McLean, whose 29 year marriage to singer Don McLean (of “American Pie” fame) ended when he was convicted of brutally abusing her.

As we watched the sun sparkle on the Kennebunk River from our table in the Boathouse Restaurant, I noticed that each woman there had her own special sparkle, despite what they’d endured and survived, some for excruciatingly painful decades. “You see, Val, we’re free now,” one of the woman told me. “He can’t hurt me anymore. That’s why I’m happy.”

Every day more than 20,000 domestic violence hotline calls are received in the United States. In Maine alone, law enforcement responds to a report of domestic violence every two and a half hours. It happens in every community and zip code and at all income and education levels. It cuts across race, religion, marital status, sexual orientation and gender identity. Even Maine’s governor, Janet T. Mills, has gone public with the physical abuse she endured when she was younger.

At the restaurant, Mary Lou told me that she’d been married for 43 years to a professor at the University of Southern Maine. When the 83-year-old told him she was so desperate to end the pain of living with him that she wanted to commit suicide, “he left the room, returned with a gun, and said, ‘I’ll show you how to put a gun to your head so you’re successful.’”

Another woman described how she was “afraid to pick up the remote control for the television.” Yet another woman told how her neighbor (who was five years older) forced her to have painful sex when she was 13-years old. He tracked her every move and threatened to kill himself if she “broke off” with him,

Three years ago, Patrisha McLean applied salve to painful wounds inflicted by her husband and made a decision. “I’d walked on eggshells for too long,” she admits. "I realized I was not alone, that other women were experiencing this too.”  McLean founded a grassroots survivor-powered nonprofit organization devoted to spreading public awareness campaigns to destigmatize domestic abuse. She called it Finding Our Voices.  

But McLean has done more than simply encourage women to speak up. She’s helped initiate a host of programs alleviating the isolation and financial deprivation that are key factors in keeping women trapped in abusive relationships — programs that changed their lives in ways they never dreamed possible.

Finding Our Smiles is a pro bono dental program that offers free, confidential, dignified and gold-standard dental care to women and children. Because many survivors escape with only the clothes on their back, a Get Out Stay Out fund is available to help them pay for shelter, car repairs, legal help and food costs. Finding Our Voices sponsors weekly online support groups and book clubs, healing retreats and song-writing sessions. There’s even a fund giving comfort to children traumatized by domestic violence, including a weighted stuffed animal for a child needing to testify in court, take music lessons or bring to summer camp. 

This October, Finding Our Voices survivors are speaking at 11 public libraries across Maine to share their stories and help break the silence, stigma and cycle of domestic abuse. Sponsors for the York and Kennebunk library presentations include Kennebunk Savings Bank, Cosmetic Enhancement Center of New England and Hurlbutt Designs, along with three York County hotels (York Harbor Inn, the Colony Hotel and the Wanderer) that are providing lodging for the survivors participating in the events. 

During their presentations, these women will wear yellow scarves or blouses. McLean says, “We survivors are trying to get to the bright side. Wearing yellow helps shine a light on domestic abuse. We have managed to cross to the bright side of safety and freedom, and we want to tell everyone that abuse DOES happen to independent, smart and accomplished people. But there is a way out.” 

Consider this: One in three women has experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. It could happen to your mother, sister, daughter, grand-daughter, aunt or best friend. Help them find their voice too. Encourage them to seek help. 

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Finding Our Voices is a Maine-based organization offering information and  help at hello@findingourvoices.net. (Or contact Patrisha McLean directly: 207-322-6460). Assistance is also available nationwide at the Domestic Violence 24/7 helpline (800-799-7233)  and the Sexual Assault 24/7 hotline (800-656-4673).